Clary Likes Celery and Pantries
by Nox and AhmedA
Summary: Clary likes celery and pantries.
1. Chapter 1

Clary was glad that Simon and Izzy had finally DTR' had to put on some lip gloss. She was so excited that she had to do the ice bucket challenge before Alec even nominated her to calm down. But she didn't. Calm down, that is. In fact, she was so un-calm that she barged into Jocelyn and Luke's bedroom and caught them making out. After that, she was slightly more calm. And she sort of wanted to throw up. But at least she was calm. Sort of. She grabbed an antique vase and smashed it in the bathtub. After that, _Jocelyn_ was the one who needed to calm down. Yes.

When Jocelyn had finally calmed down (by yelling at Clary and eating a lot of chocolate ice cream), Clary sneaked out of the house to go to Simon's and scream and tackle-hug him and Isabelle. On the way she shouted "WHO WANTS SOME CELERYYYY" to no one in particular. One random guy shouted back "I WANT TO PUT MY CELERY IN YOUR PANTRY." What a fucking creep. Clary swished out her seraph blade and started waltzing with it causing a small injury on her arm. When she finally arrived at Simon's she said, "Some random dude wanted to put his celery in my pantry. Did you put your celery in Isabelle's pantry yet?" At which Simon spluttered for five minutes straight while Clary cracked up.

She noticed a tombstone on the backyard. "OOOOOOHHHH WHO DIED?" she asked jumping up and down.

Simon looked at her solemnly and said, "My dog."

"But you don't even have a dog."

"Well. I found it on the streets and drank its blood. So I guess it's my dog now. Except it's dead. But it's mine."

"So it's—" Clary began to say, and suddenly Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger apparated into their backyard. "Uhhhh who are youuuuu?" asked Ron. He was obviously drunk. "—your dog?" she finished with a shocked look on her face.

"Ginnnyyyy! What a nice surprise!" Ron ran to Clary and passed out in her arms. Hermione just stood there, still trying to find a reason as to why they suddenly materialized. Clary and Simon didn't seem to notice, though, as they were too busy petting Ron's head and calling him doggy. Then, all three of them noticed that it was raining spaghetti and cows.

"IT'S CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS!" yelled Simon. "TOO BAD I CAN'T EAT THE MEATBALLS!"

"Meatballs? Where?" Ron suddenly woke back up. "I WANT MEATBALLS!"

"Time for lunch!" yelled Hermione as a cow fell into her plate that she conjured (which, seriously, why weren't those two weirdos saying anything about things coming out of thin air?).

Clary was now yelling at Hermione and Ron to DTR so she could smash another vase in the bathtub. She enjoyed smashing vases in the bathtub. Maybe she should break up with Jace and then get back together just so they could DTR again and she could smash more vases.

**AhmedA says: one thing everybody in the world should know: Napkins are as awesome as juice boxes.**

**Nox says: pizza is better than both.**


	2. Chapter 2

"I like food," Clary said.

"Me too," said Ron.

"I used to," said Simon sadly. "But now I can't eat it anymore."

"But food is good for your eyes," said Hermione.

"That's what everybody said," replied Simon, frowning, "so I ate food three times a day for most of my life. But then one day I stopped eating food and then I didn't need glasses anymore."

"That's because you got turned into a vampire!"

"Oh," said Simon. "Cool, I'm a vampire!"

Suddenly, there was a flash and a lot of heat. And fire. A lot of fire. And… Jace? Stepping out of the fire?

"Jace!" Clary exclaimed, running up to him. "I wanted to break up with you, but now I don't!"

A scoop of guacamole fell from the heavens.

"Did you bring me guacamole?" Clary asked. "Oh, I'm so glad I didn't break up with you!"

"Why would you _ever_ want to break up with me?" said Jace, jutting out his hips. "I'm hot stuff."

"You are," said Simon. Everybody turned to him, and he said, "What? He has fire inside of him!"

"True dat," says Izzy and now it's her turn to be stared at.

There was another blinding light and heat. And fire. A lot of fire. And… Sebastian? Clary found a random vase on the backyard and smashed it in a bathtub that had magically appeared.

"Ooh… is this a vase smashing séance?" Magnus said. Where did Magnus come from? "I went to one of those back in the 18th century. It was very odd."

"This is very odd, indeed" said Dumbledore who had randomly apparated to the backyard with his phoenix perched on his shoulder.

"Dumbledore, my old friend," said Magnus happily. "Did you ever go to a vase smashing séance? The last time I went, there were faeries using bananas as hula hoops."

"Whoa" said Sebastian, "Isn't this the Gandalf dude from the Lord of the Rings?"

"No," said Dumbledore in a Patrick Star voice. "This is _Dumbledore_."

"Whoa," said Simon. "You know SpongeBob?" When Dumbledore nodded, he yelled to Isabelle, "Izzy, we're breaking up! I'm leaving you for SpongeBob Gandalf guy!"

"Jojo the spiderman," said Izzy, "that's who _I'm_ leaving _you_ for."

"Whoandawhatnow," said Simon.

**Nox says: I don't like mashed potatoes on my laptop.**

**AhmedA says: Do not try this at home.**


	3. Chapter 3

**AhmedA: Lesson of the day: Ritz mini sandwiches like doing gymnastics. Thank you everyone.**

Simon was sulking. Izzy had actually ditched him for Jojo the spiderman. Who the hell _was_ Jojo the spiderman, anyway? He'd bet his fangs that he was better than _Jojo the spiderman._

Izzy started talking on the phone:

"OMG Jojo, I, like, missed you sooo much! Seriously though, I haven't, like, seen you for, like, 14 hours!"

Simon sighed. It seems like Izzy really had moved on. When they were together, Izzy only complained about being apart for, like, 15 hours. She was already more clingy about this _Jojo the spiderman. _

Then Hermione snatched the phone:

"Oh my golly gee, Jojo. I cant believe you were cheating on me!"

Everyone heard as Jojo screamed at Hermione about how he thinks Isabelle is better for him because she's actually good at cooking. Everyone falls on the ground, laughing.

"WHOA! WAIT!" Simon scrambled up. "JOJO THE SPIDERMAN?! _THE _JOJO THE SPIDERMAN? THE ONE THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT BECAUSE PETER PARKER IS BETTER?!"

"YES! OH MY GOD THATS ME" Jojo screams " SIMON LEWIS, YOU WILL MARRY ME NOW!"

" I DO" shouts Simon, and a thin white veil appears on his head. He looks down to see that he's a pearl white wedding dress. Someone starts playing a pop version of "Here comes the bride".

"Oh, my God," says Simon, rolling his eyes. "That is, like, so not punk rock. PLAY ME SOME NIRVANA NOW!"

Everyone suddenly starts this perfectly choreographed dance, perfectly in sync with everyone else. The mini Ritz sandwiches suddenly burst into scene and start doing very complicated gymnastics routines.

Clary and Magnus start breaking vases in the bathtub again. Jace just sighed and texted Jonathan: _This is the worst party ever. They don't even have good mini Ritz sandwich gymnasts._

**Nox: sorry this is late. not really. do you even care. no. happy halloween. get fat. just kidding you're already fat. just kidding.**

**AhmedA: Just so evryone knows, I'm just really deep like bananas. See, that was deep.**


	4. Chapter 4

It was a nice sunny day but the ground was covered with guacamole instead of grass. No one knew what happened but it didn't matter because everyone was on weed. Just kidding, kids, don't do drugs and stay in school. They just had a lot of Kool Aid. Being drunk on Kool Aid, Clary had smashed more vases than you would've thought possible. She also ate a lot of celery and got extremely fat on it. _But you can't get fat off vegetables_, you say. WRONG! Clary did. And whatever Clary does so does Jace so at the end both of them started rolling around like fat snowmen. Simon had a different reaction to being drunk on Kool Aid: he just kind of lay there and pretended the Kool Aid was blood and being sad about nothing whatsoever. Isabelle, probably. Isabelle, meanwhile, had gone bungee jumping with armadillos (don't try this at home, kids). You can Google it, though. No one's stopping you from Googling anything. Even sexy vampire ass eating pineapples. I recommend you do not search that in google, though, because the results _will _scar you for life. Just Google normal stuff, like 'How to cheat on a test.' The results for that will _not_ scar you for life. Though, I did once Google "pineapples that look like vampires". The results are quite… interesting.

Moving on, though, because Magnus and Alec are doing things together that should not _ever_ be mentioned, _ever_. (But I will say it, because I love you guys). They are… eating pineapple avocadoes. Kids, if you got to this point in the story please leave because this story is not kid friendly anymore. Just like what Jonathan is currently doing: materializing out of thin air and then throwing bananas at everyone present. God damn you, Jonathan. Kids, I know you're still reading. _STOP RIGHT NOW! I WILL TELL YOUR PARENTS! _Instead of reading this fanfiction, you can do something better like drink milk like that milk commercial tells you to do. No, that's wrong, go drink lemonade like the milk commercial tells you to do. I like cookies. Or shove it up your ass like no one tells you to do (but I just did, so technically someone _did_ tell you to do it. Just do it.)

**Nox: I think the Property Brothers should be called the Property Borings.**

**AhmedA: I think pineapples should be called pinaples.**

**Nox: Like in French.**


	5. Chapter 5

"Nice to kill you," Jace said to Simon.

"What?" Simon said. He wasn't dead? Like, any more dead than a vampire is?

"I killed you."

"Oh. Okay. Shame, because I was already dead."

"New money, suit and tie," said Jace.

"Saw you there and I'm like" sang Simon in falsetto.

"oH MY GOD." Clary said. "Are you singing that song again?"

"OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT FACE," Simon sang, snickering at Clary's face and pinching her cheeks like an old grandma, "YOU LOOK LIKE MY NEXT MISTAKE."

"If you keep singing that, I'm going to make a mistake in which you end up being _dead_."

"Again?" says Simon "Oh man, today's _really_ not my day."

"One time I died seven times in a day," interjected Jace. "Compared to that day, this is, like. I don't know, getting killed by a werewolf."

"But that's… _bad_?"

"'Twas a snowy night of Christmas Eve" started Jace.

"OHHHH NO NOT THAT AGAIN!" screamed everyone.

"Not the story about all the bananas mating with avocadoes, that's what you tell us _all _the time," groaned Clary.

"You forgot the part where it's raining salt." Simon reminded her.

Clary turned around sharply and gave Simon a death glare.

"Don't remind me," she said, "unless you want to… DIE"

She started chasing Simon around with a shovel.

And then Isabelle started riding around in a bunch of flying lockers. Alec thought Magnus might have something to do with those, but he was too busy crying at the Spongebob episodes playing on TV with Magnus to really think about it.

"Shut _up_, okay," cried Alec, "and _respect_ Spongebob! It's _so_ important in my life, Isabelle, Jace, don't you _remember_?"

"Yeah, yeah the thing about how SpongeBob was like your idol when you were growing up because he had a pineapple house.

"IT'S _UNDER THE SEA_," screamed Alec, tears streaming down his face, "AND DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T WANT A PINEAPPLE HOUSE WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP!"

"Um…. Alec..." said Isabelle. " OBVIOUSLY, I DID!"

"Um…. Alec…" said Jace. "I have a confession to make."

"Is it about pineapple houses?" asked Alec.

"NO!" cried Jace. "WHAT THE HELL, ALEC? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN! WHAT EVEN ARE WE?"

"JUST SPIT IT OUT!" screamed Clary.

"I… LIKE… SNOW!" screamed Jace to the sky. A silence followed.

**AhmedA: Cliffhangers, they're like cliffs, but they hang.  
Nox: At one point I thought you were going to say something about Michael Clifford, which you didn't, so I'm glad. Don't listen to 5 Seconds of Summer, kids, they are really misleading because there are actually like 8,121,600 seconds of summer.****  
****AhmedA: I should go into advertising business and write slogans. If anyone wants a slogan about cliffhangers please look above. **


End file.
